What shouldn't you saY?

When my son was three, his stuffed bear fell onto the floor. I watched as he scooped it up and whispered, "Are you okay?" He noticed me watching and said, "It's kinda mean when someone says "You're Okay." 

I agreed, "Your right, because only you know if you okay. Do I ever tell you your okay?" Questioning him and my own memory. 

"No, just other people", he answered. 

He was wrong.

Over the next few weeks I caught myself telling him, "You're Okay" multiple times. Why didn't he remember I used that phrase?

1. I used it to reassure him that he looked okay and will eventually feel okay.

2. If he cried or voiced he did not feel okay, I listened and trusted him. 

Language plays a powerful role in shaping a child's perception of themselves and the world around them, but tone and intention are just as important. As parents, it is crucial to be mindful of the words and phrases we use when communicating with our children and do our best to show up empathetic and emotionally available for our childrens needs.

We don't need to stress about the exact phrases we use, but rather the messages we are sending out children. 

1. "You're Okay": Telling a child, "you're okay," when they are upset or in distress may invalidate their emotions. It dismisses their feelings and sends the message that they should not express or acknowledge their discomfort. Instead, we should acknowledge their emotions, validate their experiences, and offer support and understanding.

2. "Stop Crying" or "Big Boys/Girls Don't Cry": These phrases imply that expressing emotions, particularly sadness or vulnerability, is inappropriate or weak. Children need to feel safe in expressing their emotions and understand that it is healthy and normal to cry when they are upset or overwhelmed. Encouraging emotional expression helps children develop emotional intelligence and resilience.

3. "Because I Said So": Using this phrase dismisses a child's curiosity and desire for understanding. It does not provide them with a rationale or explanation for a decision or request. Instead, we can engage in open communication, offering age-appropriate explanations that help children understand the reasons behind our requests or decisions.

4. "You're so (insert negative trait)": Labeling a child with negative traits can have a lasting impact on their self-esteem and self-image. Instead of focusing on their perceived flaws, we should emphasize their strengths, encourage growth, and provide constructive feedback when needed. This fosters a positive self-concept and supports their overall development.

5. "Why can't you be more like (sibling/friend)?": Comparing children to others can create feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, and a sense of constant evaluation. Each child is unique, with their own strengths and areas for growth. Encourage individuality and celebrate their accomplishments and progress rather than comparing them to others.

6. "I'm so (stressed/busy)": Sharing our stress or busyness with children may unintentionally burden them with our own anxieties. Children may internalize these emotions or feel responsible for our well-being. Instead, we can model healthy coping strategies, communicate openly about our feelings when appropriate, and reassure them of our love and support.

7. "You always/never": Using absolutes can create a negative narrative around a child's behavior and may discourage them from trying or making positive changes. It is important to focus on specific behaviors, provide constructive feedback, and encourage growth and learning.

Let us strive to use empowering language that acknowledges and validates our children's feelings, encourages their unique qualities, and fosters a positive and loving connection between parent and child.